I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
