is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
