Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
