Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
