upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
