Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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