i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
