Umm I'm too high to move.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
