After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
