No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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