I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
