Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
