i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
