nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
