i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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