alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
