So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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