it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
