Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.