Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in