only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
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You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
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My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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