the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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