I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
