She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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