I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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