I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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