if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
