we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
