gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
