nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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