Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
