take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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