You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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