I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
