It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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