I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
