i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
