i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
