soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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