when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
