I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
