I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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