im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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