You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
