Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
