i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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