i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
