Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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