You smell like a Billy Joel song
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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