you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
