I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
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He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
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He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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