He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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