Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
