The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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