the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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