the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize