I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
