i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
