We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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