Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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