Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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